We Answer Our Reader's Mail

Q: I’m confused... Its September---isn’t it FALL, like, soon? When Do I turn my clocks back?

A: You’re right.  Fall is Any minute now... Its called the Autumn Equinox.  Equinoxes occur when the plane of our Earth's equator passes the centre of the sun. At that instant, the tilt of the Earth's axis neither inclines away from, nor towards, the sun. This happens TWICE A YEAR, around 20 March and 20 September. TWICE A DAY the CMMDR checks to see If Michael Bay has called...see the difference? Your clocks are another matter.  But Don’t worry...Do what the CMMDR does….call a friend and ask what time it is.  They’ll know.  Or, to be just like him, call a few different people and if you don’t get a time you like just keep calling till you do...

Q: My SAMSUNG GALAXY just blew up! What do I Do?
A:  Blew up? You don’t know “BLEW UP” till you’ve seen the CMMDR’s one-man show called HINDENBERG TONIGHT!!  You literally feel like you’re in Lindenhurst, NJ watching a blimp burst into flames in front of you.  Albeit sweaty. 

Q: Can I ask a follow-up?

A: No.

Q:  I’ve never read THE FOUNTAINHEAD.  Who is this AYN RAND Bitch anyway? 

A: Look, its all OBJECTIVISM this and OBJECTIVISM that. So let it go. Trust us... Its not ATLAS SHRUGGED so much as ATLAS DIDN’T REALLY CARE THAT MUCH, especially after viewing Irrational Man, which lets face it, wasn’t so hot. 

Q: When did Brandenburg & Poland sign Treaty of Wehlau?  And are you guys still actors? 

A: 1657.  And Fuck you.