Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Monday, June 26, 2017

NOSH 4

As they’re being shown to a table-

ENSIGN (to Waitress): Not this one. Can we sit over there?
CMMDR: The restaurant is the size of my car, what difference does it make-
WAITRESS: Is here fine?
ENSIGN: ‘Fine’ is a strong word.
CMMDR: This is great, thank you.
WAITRESS: How are we tonight?
CMMDR: My knee is completely trashed, but it could always be worse. How are you?
ENSIGN: Get me a sparkling water.
CMMDR: Jesus.
ENSIGN: What?!
WAITRESS: And you?
ENSIGN: A diet coke please.
(Waitress leaves).
CMMDR: Happy?
ENSIGN: WITH WHAT???!!!!!
ENSIGN: Notice the Grade on this place?
CMMDR: Yeah, an ‘A.’
ENSIGN: Yeah, they put that out there, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s an ‘A.’
CMMDR: You think their lying?
ENSIGN: We don’t know what’s going on in that kitchen.
(They look at the menu.)
ENSIGN: This menu is filthy.
CMMDR: How are things in Russia?
ENSIGN: That blond, oh God, that blond. She ate some granola then napped. Unbelievable! There were two babes in the corner playing cards but they left after an hour. And one of the brunettes was reading.
CMMDR: How long were you on there?
ENSIGN: Maybe three hours, tops.
CMMDR: ‘Tops’?
ENSIGN: You could just make out a section of one of the brunette’s left nipples, so it was time well spent my friend.
CMMDR: Right.
ENSIGN: I’ll text you the whole thing.
CMMDR: OK.
ENSIGN: Even though it will go on the pile of ‘things the Ensign so thoughtfully sent me but I am too busy doing WHAT???!! to ever look at them.’
CMMDR: I might get the fish.
ENSIGN: I’m an old fucking failure.


( to be continued….)

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Not So Dynamic Duo Dept.

"Hey Pal....Easy on the dairy products-You're bringing down the book value of the bat mobile."

Friday, June 09, 2017

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Nosh 3 (Cont......)

-Back Kitchen of Nice restaurant cont....

Waitress: (running to the back-breathless) You've got to help me-- I got some live ones.
Manager: Good, cause those dead ones never pay.
W: I'm serious. (points)  Look over there- see the two Grandpas?
Manager: That Squat Bald Potato talking to the Corpse of a Rabbi?
W: Yes...The one with beard hasn't stopped complaining since he walked in.  He actually asked if he could change restaurants.
Manager: He reminds me of someone who's dead. And the cue ball?
W: He doesn't shut up. I asked if they wanted water and He  said that the relative minor of Bb major was G.
M: I'll handle them.
W: Whatever you do-don't mention the sax. 

(The CMMDR is mid-story. Ensign has just about had it. )

CMMDR: (knowing he's boring but really can't stop)...and I KNOW I nailed it but.....I didn't get it.
E: Huh.  (Coming in for the kill) This sounds familiar--When was this?
C: (Pause-knowing he's about to be shamed) Five years ago. That doesn't make it hurt any less...  
     (Knowing what the E. is thinking)  Oh, and YOU never repeat yourself?
E: Oh I do. You know how many times I've said YOU'VE TOLD ME?

(Manager comes to table)

MANAGER: (interrupting) Gentlemen?
C: (excited to talk to someone else) I LIVE AROUND HERE. We Rented and then Bought. There was this funny thing that happened with the movers, first they sent the wrong couch and then--
E: Wait'll he gets to the part about "boxes of books".  Some surprises there. You'll want to remember this for your grandchildren.
MANAGER: (confused)  Let me just introduce myself:  I'm the owner.  My wife is the cook. We have lots of things with sauces on them.  I understand there's a problem?
E: WHEN IS THERE NOT?
C: I've had two surgeries on the same knee and I had to turn down a job because of Maine.
E: What the hell are you talking about? You didn't GET that job. You didn't even audition for it.
C: I'm JUST SAYING. IF I HAD-IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A PROBLEM.
E: (realizing Manager is still standing there) Is there a reason you're still standing there? Can't you see we're talking?
MANAGER: Um, would you like to hear the specials?
C: Do you have TORO? Also I love eating Herring. And I have a postal box Mid-town.
MANAGER: (These guys are insane) I'm not sure--
C: (to the point) Which one of us do you think has played more caustic hebraic lawyers?
E: (Done with the whole thing) And then which one of us Emcees Star Trek Jeopardys for a living?
MANAGER: ...............
E: Look Buddy---One of us only plays friends of neighbors.  And the other one plays powerful men who die. Wanna Guess?
MANAGER: I don't have any idea what---
C:  Okay--here's an easier one: SKIPPY or AL. YOU CHOOSE.
E: HINT-I've NEVER BEEN A SKIPPY.
MANAGER: Will you excuse me?
(he leaves)
E: Oh sure--He's going to cheat and Google it.
C: Why'd you have to bring up That Jeopardy thing?
E: Here's a better question: Can we leave?

(Manager finds waitress)

MANAGER: (sotto) I'm selling the restaurant.

To be continued......


Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Monday, May 29, 2017

NOSH DEPT. PART 2

  

Cmmdr and Ensign are being seated at a restaurant.

ENSIGN: This will drive me out of my mind.
CMMDR: What? The present moment?
ENSIGN: No, that noise.
CMMDR. What noise?
ENSIGN: THE NOISE!
CMMDR: You mean the sound of the restaurant? The ambience?
ENSIGN: Yes, that, and the air conditioning, and the kitchen, and the cars from outside going by, and when I move my legs, and-
CMMDR: We can ask if they have a coffin we can sit in.
ENSIGN: Never mind.
WAITRESS (arriving):  Good evening.
CMMDR: Hi.
ENSIGN: Don’t mind him.
WAITRESS: Why would I mind him?
ENSIGN: I’m just saying.
CMMDR: You have a lovely accent. Where are you from?
ENSIGN: Seriously?
CMMDR: I’m sorry.
WAITRESS: It’s OK. Bulgaria.
CMMDR: Sofia?
WAITRESS: Near Sofia.
ENSIGN: Can we sit at a different table?
WAITRESS: Well….
ENSIGN: No reason, but I’m perpetually antagonistic and confrontational and never satisfied and want to move to a different table.
CMMDR: Hey, why don’t you switch seats with me. Even though I just has major surgery on my knee and took this seat so my leg could stretch out, I’ll let you sit here and hopefully that will somehow appease your need to be a pain in everyone’s ass.

(The ENSIGN and CMMDR switch seats).

ENSIGN: My manager is a worthless cunt.
CMMDR: You’re welcome. I’m sorry miss, give us a moment with the menu?
CMMDR: This place is great.
ENSIGN: If you like nice restaurants.
CMMDR: You’re not happy with it?
ENSIGN: Happy? HAPPY??? MY ARC IS ENDING!! I HAVE NOTHING!!! WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO?? And by the way, I have to go to the ATM.
CMMDR: Now?
ENSIGN: Yeah, I don’t have any cash.
CMMDR: Sure.
ENSIGN: Or you can pay for it and I’ll take care of it later.
CMMDR: It doesn’t matter.

(To be continued….)



Sunday, May 28, 2017

A Nosh Dept.

-CMMDR and Ensign are being seated at a restaurant--beneath a noisy air duct.---

ENSIGN: This will drive me out of my mind.
Cmmdr: Breathing?
E: No
C: Being awake? Thinking?  What could it be I WONDER!
E: This heating duct. Dont you hear it?
C: Um-
E: Its like I'm sitting at Bikini Island.
C: What's Biki--
E: NEVERMIND. I'll live with it.
(Waitress arrives.)
Waitress: Good evening.
C:  Hello Miss. I live around here. For five years.
E:  And I'm in Quantico--so far who do you like better?
W: (confused) Here's the menu and----
C: I've done 400 shows on television.
E: She doesn't care.
C: LET HER DECIDE. I MAY BE A BUDDHIST!
E: While Grandpa here is having a stroke would it be possible to move to a table that's not below a jack hammer?
W: (gesturing to a completely empty restuarant) All these other tables are taken.
E: With CASPER and Family???
C: (to waitress) Look what I'm lumbered with. Did you know I play Sax?
W: Uh, no, I just-
C: Well,  I had a lesson today---
W: Well great, I used to play the clarinet
C: Benny Goodman? I have his records. I have a lot of records.  Also CDs.
W: Uh Huh
C: And I had a cat named Beanie, I just had knee surgery, and--
E: Jesus, god, STOP. (to waitress) Can you YELL us the specials?
W: I'll be right back.
-pause-
C: This place is great.....
E: If you're a fan of leaf blowers.
C: .....HEY! I'm going to get a lot of money back.
E: Great. Why?
C: I'm not sure, for the Workman's insurance thing,  but I don't know, maybe not, I hope I do, they haven't told me,
E: Who is THEY?
C: But then again I might not.
E: So, I'm confused, you're NOT getting money back?  You just said-
C: Well, I MIGHT, if they decide but I also couldn't get it. (pause) It depends.
E: .......Okay--That story lagged a bit in the middle.....
C: .......What else do you have?
E: Other than this Cessna landing in my cochlea?  Seriously?
(Waitress returns)
W: Our specials tonight are-(unintelligible due to noise)....with a buttery sauce...Any questions?
C:  Do you have a White Fish? Or Blue fish? Those are really good fishes to serve.
W: No, I mean, yes they ARE wonderful fishes but that's not-
C: TORO? Do you have toro?
E: SHE ONLY HAS WHAT'S ON THE MENU.
C: I know but I was just saying I've had those fish in the past.
E: And I had Mono when I was 15--SO WHAT? (to waitress) Where are you from?
W: Belgium, I-
CMMDR: Belgium is a country, yes?  I can speak some French!
E: MY GOD. NO ONE CARES!
CMMDR:  Another country is Newfoundland.  I was just there. Great people.
W: Um--would you like to order?

-----to be continued


Saturday, May 27, 2017

Just When You Might Have Started Feeling A Wee Bit Good About Yourself Dept.

FROM AUDIBLE REVIEWS:

I always watch interviews of the author before and after reading a book, and I thought the interviews were much more interesting than the book itself. Maybe it was just the underwhelming narrator! 


Sunday, May 21, 2017

CMMDR's MOVIE MATINEE!

Seniors are ½ price!

The CMMDR Takes Stock

Friday, May 19, 2017

OUCH Dept.



Kliph Nesteroff: 
You did two episodes of Batman with Adam West.

Jack Carter: 
Yeah, I played Hot Rod Harry. I get more mail than anything else asking for signed pictures of Hot Rod Harry. They invite me to these things out by the airport where poor souls sign autographs. BarBara Luna wrote me a letter, "Please come to the convention. Shecky was here and he loved it." Well, Shecky can go demean himself for ten bucks a pop, but I can't do it. A lot of people do it and they come home with a couple thousand.



Wednesday, May 10, 2017


Tuesday, May 09, 2017

Sunday, May 07, 2017

Thursday, May 04, 2017