Monday, December 30, 2013

Stage Directions Dept.

Ring-ring




CMMDR: (in 'funny' soft secretarial voice) Hello? Sol Fienbaumsschwartzenstein's office.
ENSIGN:  (Sighs) (playing along but tired, exhausted, depleted. Done with this joke for fifteen years.) Yes, I'm looking for the Cmmdr.
C:  (Still in "funny" voice--but 'why is this idiot calling me?? Aren't there senior citizen activities in Nyack to keep him occupied? )  Please hold.
E: (Oh, the Hold Joke.  Thinking 'i need different friends') Thank you.
C:  (Now in True CMMDR voice but thinking "Dear God, how can I get off the phone before the trouble starts?") Yes?
E:  (Sorry he called but stuck. Goes with the usual) Docket?
C: (Timid, scared, and slightly soiled) Don't be mad.
E: (Already incredibly annoyed but not sure why...) Why would I be mad?
C: (Annoyed himself, but knowing where this is going starts to peruse e-mail and shuffle papers on desk) Because...
E:  (Hearing distracted tone in CMMDR's voice decides, in spite of himself, to be honest) The only thing that would kind of bug me would be if you were going to see LLewyn Davis again.
C: (Caught, nervous, with a hint of oak)........I am.
E:  (Goddammit... anger causes Left Leg to go numb) Tonight?
C:  (Amused at question, but sees dangerous cliff ahead and is unable to stop...) No, no, no.  (pause)        This morning.
E:  (Anger Jackpot) Morning? They have morning shows?
C:  (DEER IN HEADLIGHTS. CHOKING ON OWN VOMIT) Yeah, its a Breakfast special.
E:  (Having worked with Neil Simon he tries..) Eggs, bacon and a side order of depression?
C:  (Fuck YOU 'Boy Who Cried Bitch' Loser.   Film is uplifting and genius. Might as well. Nothing to lose. All cards on the table.  In for a dime, etc.) Um... I'm taking all my nieces and nephews.
E:  (Systolic Higher than 160) ALL OF THEM?
C:  (Drowning, gasping for air.) People like me. I'm extraordinary in film.
E:  (So sorry he ever went to Sundance.) What did your doorman think?
C:  (How did Ensign KNOW THIS???) He didn't understand it.
E:  (AL QAEDA. TALIBAN. ) I WAS KIDDING. YOU TOOK YOUR DOORMAN?
C: (My kingdom for a hole to crawl into and rot) Um...yeah...everyone who works in the building. Yesterday.  There was a Maintenance Man Matinee.
E: (Nose growing longer than period of unemployment) That's nice of you.
C: (Jews run Media. Must get off. THINK. THINK) Doorman thought I was F. M. Abraham.
E: (He didn't notice the hair?) I bet He really appreciated it.
C:  (Das Lied Der Deutschen) It was my end of the year Tip.
E:  (Considers saying 'Pretty Boy in the Fourth' but instead googles 'apartment building bombings on Cabrini') So good of you. They should be extra nice from now on.
C: (DESPERATE, but thank God there's---) Oh, Boots, there's another call coming in I have to Go...
E: (DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN LET ME BE WRONG ABOUT THIS...) Is it the cast of Taking Care of Baby? Are you Treating them to the evening screening of...(CLICK) HELLO??
--dial tone--
Sound of Head Exploding

1 comment:

cmmdr said...

Howling Howling
and full of shame