‘I HAVE’ RULES BEING HONORED: A TEMPLATE

HAVER: I have.

HAVE NOT: What the fuck?

HAVER: (no response).

HAVE NOT: WHAT? WHAT IS IT!

HAVER: What?

HAVE NOT: WILL YOU PLEASE JUST CUT THE SHIT AND TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK YOU HAVE???

HAVER: Pardon?

HAVE NOT: I swear to god I will self-immolate! PLEASE! What is it?

HAVER: What?

HAVE NOT: WHAT DO YOU FUCKING FUCK FUCK HAVE GODAMNIT TO HELL!

HAVER: Oh. Yes. It’s, uhhhh. Actually I’m not even sure. My agent said something about Belfast and Croatia. Just not sure.

HAVE NOT: As we speak I am ramming ice picks in my rectum and will keep at it until you TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT IT IS!!!!

HAVER: Is a ‘deal memo’ pretty much the same as a contract?

HAVE NOT: I cannot find the corner, for the life of me, the corner I turned and ended up on shit cake avenue.

HAVER: Nertz! I am so screwed. I can’t find my passport.

HAVE NOT: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST CUNT IS IT A MOVIE?

HAVER: An indie.

HAVE NOT: An indie. You have an indie shooting all over the known world and I have an old pumpkin scone and two tickets to a TJ and Dave show.

HAVER: I love TJ and Dave. You will have a ball. I wish I could come.

HAVE NOT: Ok. Seriously. I’m asking as one friend to another. Please tell me the exact nature of the job you’ve just gotten. Who is in it, what your role is, things like that. I’m asking nicely. Please?

HAVER: It’s just a thing. It’s an indie. With Cate Blanchet.

HAVE NOT: I didn’t even really want to be an actor.

HAVER: My part is not huge.

HAVE NOT: I AM DYING, NEW YORK, DYING.

HAVER: I leave Monday.

HAVE NOT: How do you tie a noose?