Saturday, April 28, 2012

A Picture's Worth a Thousand Nights of Wondering Why My Career Went Fucking South Dept.

7 comments:

Nobody said...

I don't know about the career going south...
But the nose was definitely heading due west.

Ensign said...

15 years later, jokes about the nose still fucking irk me.

Nobody said...

Why Magnificent -- That  nose! 
You pug, you knob, you button-head, 
Know that I glory in this nose of yours
For a great nose indicate a great man 
Genial, courteous, intellectual, 
Virile, courageous as You are and such! 

Take notice, all 
Who find this feature of his countenance 
A theme for comedy! Whe
Is noble, then my custom is to show 
Appreciation proper to his rank 
More heartfelt and more pointed...

Why, what might have been said --
Oh, a great many things! Mon dieu, why waste 
Your opportunity? For example, thus: -- 
AGGRESSIVE: I, sir, if that nose were mine, 
I'd have it amputated on the spot! 
FRIENDLY: How do you drink with
You ought to have a cup made specially! 
DESCRIPTIVE: Tis a rock, a crag a cape 
A cape? say rather, a peninsula! 
INQUISITIVE: What is that receptacle 
A razor case or a portfolio? 
KINDLY: Ah, do you love the little birds 
So much that when they come and sing to you, 
You give them this to perch on? 
INSOLENT: Sir, when you smoke, the neighbors must suppose 
Your chimney is on fire. 
CAUTIOUS: Take care 
A weight like that might make you top-heavy. 
THOUGHTFUL: Somebody fetch my parasol 
Those delicate colors fade so in the sun! 
PEDANTIC: Does not Aristophanes 
Mention a mythologic monster called 
Hippocampelephentocamelos? 
Surely we have here the original! 
FAMILIAR: Well, old torchlight! Hang your hat 
Over that chandelier it hurts my eyes. 
ELOQUENT: When it blows, the typhoon howls, 
And the clouds darken. 
DRAMATIC: When it bleeds  The Red Sea! 
ENTERPRISING: What a sign for some perfumer!
LYRIC: Hark the horn of Roland calls 
To summon Charlemagne! 
SIMPLE: When do they unveil the monument? 
RESPECTFUL: Sir, I recognize in you 
A man of parts, a man of prominence 
RUSTIC: Eh? What? Call that a nose? Naw Naw 
I be no fool like what you think I be 
That theres a cucumber! 
MILITARY: point against cavalry! 
PRACTICAL: Why not a lottery? 
With this for the grand prize? 
Or parodying Faustus in the play 
Was this the nose that launched a thousand ships 
And burned the topless towers of Ilium? 

These, my dear sir, are things you might have said 
Had you some tinge of letters, or of wit 
To color your discourse. But wit not so, 
You never had an atom and of letters, 
You need but three to write you down Aye Ess Ess 
Moreover if you had the invention, here, 
Before these folks, to make a jest of me 
Be sure you would not then articulate 
The twentieth part of half a syllable 
Of the beginning! For I say these things 
Lightly enough myself, ABOUT myself, 
But, I allow none else to utter them. 

Ensign said...

Say, rather, a peninsula...genius.

That said, this is just MORE JOKES about the nose. But the acting just was ignored. I should just end it right here.

Nobody said...

"Oh your nose is very."

Ensign said...

She looks more like him than I do..

Nobody said...

"It's your nose, you know.
Fans are funny that way, they take a dislike to things.
They'll pick on a nose."