Some of the CMMDR’s LIFE RULES...Collect them all

Rule #7
Know that in initiating any activity, regardless of the activity, should the Ensign learn of said activity, you will receive blowback.

Rule #38
Traveling? Never request an upgrade regardless of the number of points. You are the CMMDR; you will NOT receive the upgrade.

Rule #209
If you, the CMMDR, attempt to toss into a refuse receptacle some small item of trash, whether from six inches or six feet, know you will miss.

Rule #78
WHEN you handle an object, you, the CMMDR, will drop it - and then, if the object is smaller than a thumbnail, YOU will not be able to find it. (calling the Ensign is the preferred solution)

Rule #9
In all financial transactions the CMMDR will always pay more than anyone else, anywhere.  Buy High and Sell Low is his mantra.

Rule #3
When sitting down for a semi-relaxing evening at his home entertainment center to watch a film that has risen to the top of the "WILL GET TO IT" pile The CMMDR will a) Not find the remote he needs after searching for over an hour  and then b)if said remote is found, under the bottom cushion of his La-z-Boy,  he will indubitably press the wrong button causing Verizon, AppleTV, Hulu and Amazon Prime to simultaneously and catastrophically fail-leaving him no choice but to C) call the Ensign in a panic, shrieking for immediate tech help, and, after counting to ten, The Ensign will explain as calmly as he can that he, the CMMDR, is D) fucked.

Rule #42
SHOULD  you fill out and submit a form, any form, to any bureaucracy, whether it be the motor vehicle department or any insurance company or anything to do with Social Security or anything similar to these, know the form will not be accepted. You will have done something wrong.

Rule #5
ANY text whatsoever sent to the ensign will be proofread and very possibly rejected. Regardless of the import of the text- for example should you be dying - and misspell your diagnosis, know the Ensign will disregard the gravity in favor of pointing out the spelling error.

Rule #5a

All Texts from the CMMDR will have at least One Typo.

Rule #22
If the CMMDR goes on a trip to a foreign country the entire trip will become a joyless waiting period to return home and complain about said trip.  (If trip however does have moments of joy, this will be forgotten on return flight while sitting in a middle seat that is broken…there are NO exceptions).

Rule#563
When FINALLY the CMMDR dies there will be no afterlife

Rule#563a:

Should by some strange quirk of fortune there be an afterlife, for the CMMDR it will be hell

Rule # 56
When Cabin Boy throws a dinner party no matter what the CMMDR brings it will be mocked as worthless by the Ensign. Even if he brings the entire dinner.

Rule #56a

The CMMDR will never bring anything. Ever.  This Rule must NOT be broken.

Rule #56b:

The Ensign will always bring seltzer water.

Rule #56c  

The CMMDR will try to 'humorously' try to take credit for said seltzer while simulataneously feeling immense shame that he has once again done nothing

Rule #1 IF THE CMMDR SPEAKS HE WILL BE WRONG. 

Please Repeat This Rule upon Waking