Lately, Dept.

ring-ring

   ring-ring

Ensign: (in a small defeated voice) Hello?

CMMDR: (its the'funny' Kerault Voice) GOBBLE GOBBLE! GOBBLE GOBBLE!

E: -NO--

C: It's NOVEMBER!

E:  Oh, please, not this trip down memory--

C: Time to SHOVE some Crushed Nuts into the Backside of a Dead Turkey--

E: -I'm so depressed right now, could you not--

C:  Wow, that's a big bird this year! Uh-oh, Dad's hand is stuck up its rectum--

E:--I really can't--

C:  Junior thinks this is funny, but lookout Son, Father isn't too pleased--

E:--God, this is so--

C: -OH GOOD, There's the gizzard.  Don't forget the LIVER Mother!

E:  -liver and Crestor, a winning--

C:  And those YAMS.
E:   Jesus.
C:  Well, Dinner's over!  YUM, that was delicious.  Oh Mother, don't blush, you outdid yourself this year!  The family's settling down in front of the t.v. for a little football. Father, adjust that aerial! That's a better picture! Looks like Little Sister wants to Toss that pigskin.  Look out now, Uncle John is fast asleep,--OUCH! Right in the crotch!  He's awake now, that's for sure.   And a little drunk!

E:--jesus, if only i was on the third floor i could throw myself down the stairs and--

C: Yes, it's Thanksgiving.   And what comes after Thanksgiving-

E:-my death perhaps--

C: Channukah! The time of the year when circumsized Christ Killers get together-

E: -OKAY. ENOUGH!

-pause-

C: I'm SO FUNNY. "GOBBLE GOBBLE!"  

E: I'm glad you're pleased.  

C: Oh, boots, hold on, I'm getting another, how do I..?

E:  Um....You press the button marked ANSWER.

C: THERE IS NO BUTTON MARKED ANSWER. WHAT DO I DO?

E:  What do you mean? Look at the bottom left.

C: THERE IS NOTHING THERE,  THERE IS NOTHING MARKED ANSWER.

E:  At the bottom? There's an answer button at the-

C:  IT ISN'T.  YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. IT ISN'T THERE!

E: WHY ARE YOU PANICKED? 

C: (Screaming like an insane person) BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING THERE, I'M LOOKING RIGHT AT IT.  THERE IS..oh. There it is...huh.
--(pause)   Well,  Now its too late.

E:  Its not my fault.

C: Well, if you had told me about the button sooner.

E:  I'm a terrible friend. Luckily there's voice mail.

C: That's not how it works.

E:  What does that even mean? How WHAT works?

C:  Well.......I don't know how its going.

--pause-

E:  No idea.  Not a clue. (Pause) I'll take "how WHAT'S GOING?" for 30. 

C:  My show.
E:  Oh.
C:  My play.
E:  Yes.
C:  My Un-lubricated penetration of Lynne's black box, if you get my meaning. 

E:  Okay, uh-

C:  I mean, everyone tells me they love it.  But it takes work.  

E:  Work? Like staying awake?

C: When I come on stage there is a murmur throughout the house.

E:  Because they recognize you and are pleased?

C:  Because they recognize me and are...

E:  ...Not pleased?

C:  Is there something worse?

E:  Annoyed?

C:  Deeper.

E   Filled with rage?

C:  We're getting there.

E:   A furious MOB?

C:  Yes! They literally light torches and storm the gates.

E:  What gates?

C:  They jump to their feet--oh there's the phone again, Boots I have to-

E:  DID YOU CALL FOR A REASON?

--click-
E: Hello? Hello?  Gobble gobble.
-click-
(Sound of man falling downstairs)