CMMDR CALLING Dept.

Ring--Ring

Ensign:  Yeah?

CMMDR: Uh-oh, the annoyance level is already at 11

E:  Actually More.

C:  12?

E:   What do you want?

C:  Sorry, I shouldn’t have called.  I don’t know what I was thinking. 

E:  You were Probably thinking you wanted to talk about yourself.  

C:  I knew it was something.

E:   Is this about your leg?
C:  No, and my leg is off limits in the joke dept.

E:  I meant the other leg.

C:  The other leg?  I don’t--

E:   Oh my god.

C:   Oh  (pause) 

       (searching for something)  

       And I suppose 

      (anything) 

      THe palestinians are to blame for what you’re doing to them?

E:  Wow, how did you--

C:  Who runs the media Rabbi?

E:  Listen Herr Goebbels, DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING YOU WANT FROM ME or can I go back to my shabby existence.

C: What were you doing?

E:  Right now I was just googling medical symptoms.

C: What are yours?
E:   Oh....A loud annoying buzz in my ear--

C:  uh huh

E:   And this Sharp pain in my ass-- 

C:  Jeez that’s-

E    Plus, an overwhelming desire to hang up the phone.

C:  That’s not a symptom, so much as a-

E:  WHAT DO YOU WANT?  (pause)  I’m all ears.  

C:  (ala some british twit) I should think rather you shouldn’t.

E:  I don’t even know what that means. 

C:  (making like he’s writing)  Wind out of east 5 knots. Annoyance:  15.  No sign of the Japs. Come in London.

E:  Dear GOD WHY ME?
C: Because Mezzuzah Mike, you are the Chosen Bearded Cheap People. 

E: (overly calm) What...do...you...want?

C: So…..I’m thinking of selling my house in Burbank.

E: (pause) Yes.  (pause) Great.  (pause) Good.  (pause)  And?
C:  And I’m wondering…...

E:  Oh my god...if you should?
C:  (squirming) Not so much “should” more like..do you think it will, it will, (can’t ask) do  you think It will..

E:    ...Sell??
C:  YES. Will my house sell? What do you think?

    (A big angry pause) I need to know.
E:  Um, what did everyone else who you asked say?

C:  I only asked, uh….

E:  Everyone you’ve ever worked with.

C:   I’m gathering polling data.

E:  Well, Gallup, what did they say?

C:  Three said “instantly”, Four said “It will take a while”, one said “majf;lkdj;a”

E : Who was that?
C:  Josh. His mouth was full.

E:  How does any of this help?
C:  Why is it wrong of me to ask if it will sell?
E:  Because, a)How would anyone know  and b)Why don’t you just put it on the fucking market and see what happens?

C:  (Pause)  Oh.

E:  Yeah. Oh.  

C:  Without control?
E:  That’s right Blubber Boat. No Control.

C:  Blubber Boat?   Jesus, you are so--oh wait-I’m getting another-

E:   “Opinion Line” You’re on the Air, go ahead with your uninformed--
C:  No, its my-

E:  Let me guess-Realtor?
C:  How did you-

E:  Annoyance 30. 

click

Dial tone