(From the vault) CMMDR and ENSIGN PLAY CARDS.

Cmmdr:  (Dealing cards) I hate dealing.
Ensign:  Well, loser deals.  We're like two old men sitting here playing cards.  The old Actor's Home in Englewood..
CMMDR: (ala Old Man) I remember I was touring with Father Dowling--
ENSIGN:  (deaf old man) Father Who?
CMMDR:  Oh, shut up. I'm an idiot.
Ensign:  Not so much an idiot as-
CMMDR:  You're making me lose count.
Ensign:  Sorry Mr. Hoyle.
CMMDR: SHUT UP. 5...6...7...8....9....10. (pause) Count them.
Ensign:  Now I have to count them?
CMMDR: (Turning over the knock card: it's the King of Spades) OOOOH. A DOUBLE GIN.
Ensign:  I'd rather it was a two episode Arc on THE SHIELD.
CMMDR: Oh great.  A Double GIN and This is the worst hand I've ever had.  Its not so much a hand as a foot.
ENSIGN:  (with above) a foot, I know, Its not a hand, its a..
CMMDR:  (arranging his hand)--GLOVE. A FUCKING GLOVE. I HAVE NOTHING. NO CARDS GO WITH ANY OTHER CARDS. THE LAST TIME I HAD GOOD CARDS was during the Lousiana PURCHASE.
Ensign:  Please don't speak.
CMMDR: (Furiously arranging his hand) ITS NOT EVEN A FOOT, ITS A DEFORMED NUB.
ENSIGN: PLEASE.
CMMDR: (Insanely moving his cards around and around) I never get the cards, I never get anything.  My life is pure shit. Are you taking the King. The KING of the Jews?
Ensign:  I'm trying to think, could you please-
CMMDR:  These aren't cards, these are turds. These cards are the Film Work of Robin Williams.
ENSIGN: GOD, SHUT UP.
CMMDR:  DO YOU WANT THAT KING?
Ensign:  I'm thinking.
CMMDR: Oooh,  he's THINKING if he Wants KING DAVID. Maybe you should consult the TALMUD.
ENSIGN: I don't want it.
CMMDR:  OH WORTH THE WAIT.  I don't either.  PICK.
Ensign:  (he draws from the pile) Hmmm. This I like.
CMMDR: Morty Gunty LIKES THE CARD.
Ensign:   Okay, look: You can't keep commenting on everything I do.
CMMDR:  Would you go??
ENSIGN:  I'm THINKING.
CMMDR:  Your people won the 7 day war quicker than you go in this game.
ENSIGN:  (Discards another KING)  Allright, allright:   There.
CMMDR:  OOOH. KINGS ARE CHEAP.
ENSIGN:  GOD. FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO SAY.
CMMDR: (drawing a card)  What? KINGS ARE CHEAP. Oh, (re: card) I like this. Johnny boy likes this.  Johnny Phillips, FAther Dowlings little Catholc Butt Plug LOVES THIS CARD.  The worm has turned Timmy.
ENSIGN:  Meaning?
CMMDR:  GIN!
ENSIGN:  WHAT?  I thought you had lousy cards??
CMMDR:  First rule:  LIE.  That's 50 plus the crap you're sitting on. Double that: I'm ahead by 250.  Who's Larry Loser now?  Wait.  WHere are you going?
ENSIGN:  (from the other room) I'm looking for a machete you lying bastard..........