HWHN caught up with the CMMDR recently at a small diner on 149th and St. Nicholas. The interview continues.

WAITER. (approaching table) I’m sorry, did you ask for a hock? A ham hock?

CMMDR. No you prick fuck, I said a ‘Glock.’ Everyone’s an idiot! I’m the biggest idiot of all. I’m losing it, just losing…. (the CMMDR begins to weep copiously, the tears mixing with the fat and grease from his recent meal, all of it running down his face; he now resembles a turnip, if it were melting).

WAITER. Can I get you the check?

HWHN. Yes, that might be a good idea. (The waiter leaves). Curious. Did they ever have you back in on The DIVISION, after you failed to snag that Stan Lotwin guest role?

CMMDR. (Pause. Seething). You know…..  No, they didn’t. That was the only time I was seen for that particular show. Which went off the air twelve years ago. Which makes me believe you bring it up only to be malicious. And it wasn’t a ‘guest’ role technically. It was a ‘co-star.’ There’s a difference. A ‘guest’ role is for actors with talent. A ‘co-star’ role is basically for extras on steroids.

HWHN. Being bald. Has it hurt you?

CMMDR. Oh, without a doubt. Add to that my stunted stature, my loping gait, and then the girth and all, and I’d be lucky to be cast as a fetus.

HWHN. You’re about to start previews in a new show here in NY.

CMMDR. If I can walk. My ankle looks like it was hit by Sandy.

HWHN. Are you the lead?

CMMDR. The what?

HWHN. The lead?

CMMDR. What is the lead?

HWHN. Never mind.