We Answer Our Mail

DEAR He Who Has Nil:

Q: Settle a bet. My ex says on NOV 3 the clocks move back.  I say they move the fuck Forward.  If I’m right I get to do that thing to her she wouldn’t do with me when we were going together. If she’s right its castrati time for Daddy.  Shall I lube up?

A:  You’re both wrong. There is no forward and back. Consider the paradox of the three dimensional  spherical ball that can go through a single time travel worm hole to collide with its younger self.  Even a glancing blow would skew history to the point where the older self would no longer go through the worm hole.  This would happen around, oh, the third episode of NURSE.  The one where Joe Calvo gets that black guy his loan and Nurse Mary is proud of him. Reed Birney appears. As does Robert Reed. So When Newton argued that space, time and motion were absolute and time traveled at an immutable and inexorable rate he didn’t take into account Robert Reed’s perm and face lift.  Or The CBS Tuesday Night Line-up.

     Q: What’s this shit  Romney’s talkin’ about Libby’s?  Why would we have a consulate where they make Libby’s Pumpkin Pie Mix?  And, really, what’s a consulate?  

A: Dear idiot: Listen up!  Libby’s does’t just make Pie Mix.  Have you tried their Fruit that’s available in light syrup. Or Sliced peaches in heavy syrup?  The CMMDR eats their potatoes straight from the can.  As for ‘consulate’, you’re on your own. 

     Q: Did the CMMDR dope with Armstrong?  

A: Ha, that’s a knee slapper. The CMMDR has never been on a bicycle, let alone compete in an olympic event. That would involve breathing and perspiring.  Not to mention all things spandex.  If he did compete he’d more than likely be the thing they ride down the luge on.  If LUGE is what I mean. He has, however, eaten potatoes straight from a can. That may be where your confusion lies.

     Q: Please Define Happiness.  And, as a follow-up, who’s happier?

A:  Great Question.  Do you mean Aristotle’s eudaimonia?  He said one time when he was "gassin' on" as he put it,  that it is for the sake of happiness that we do everything we do (Hence Equity Showcases!) He was all into that ‘livng well and faring well’ greek ass-sex-gobble de-gook.  But this is 2012.   Here’s the modern litmus test...Sit in a quiet place and ask yourself: Does someone much less deserving and younger  and handsomer have something you really really really really wanted? Were you passed over for, let’s say, a Broadway production of a play you previously had “FARED” pretty “WELL” in?  If you nodded a “Yes” while, say, sobbing, Aristotle would respond, loosely translated “You must be the Ensign AND the CMMDR”.   Pass the Hemlock.

     Q: I’m sick of all these Bloomberg Super-Size Drink jokes.  They’re not that funny and, really, Doesn’t he have a point?

A:  Have you ever seen the CMMDR Eat potatoes straight from a can?  

     Q: Hey, that guy falling from that capsule with the hot air balloon thing? That was kind of cool. He sure did look like the CMMDR.  Anyone else feel that way?

A: Ha! You may have confused the hot air balloon with the CMMDR’s pants. Happens all the time.  Someone once asked him if his pants  had an eat-in kitchen.  He wasn’t amused.  But His pants are so large he can only play SEEK. 

Speaking of that falling guy....he was asked if he had Vertigo.  He said “only 26 miles”. Bob Orben move over.  Next question.

     Q: I hate you people. If you're so damn 'smart',  tell me what weighs more:  A pound of feathers or..or...something else? Huh? Which?  See?  You're a moron.

A: Oh, you almost fooled me but, of course, the correct answer is the CMMDR’s ass.   Potatoes from a can can add a good round visage to an already hefty clump. Who's wearing the Dunce Cap Now?

     Q: What’s with all the CMMDR and CANNED POTATO barbs?  He’s not that fat.

A: Interesting.  Then how do you explain the new sign that went up in his building’s elevator? “Occupancy by the CMMDR prohibited by Law (of Gravity)”

    


     Q: Hey, you guys are funny.  But I have a question.  We know that CMMDR has a job and CABIN BOY has a job and L’L B’uddy (WHOEVER THAT IS) has a job, but you have made no mention of the Ensign having a…...oh, sorry.

A: okay, okay