Ensign Calling Dept.

Ring ring

CMMDR: (answering--in a ‘funny’ anti-semitic voice)Uh..Melvin Birnabaumabramowitz here.

ENSIGN:  (playing along) Yeah, Melvin, its Mordecai. 

C: (still in that ‘funny’ old jew voice) I can’t talk now, I’m eating a nice piece of fish.

E:  Boiled?

C:  So boiled its not fish its a--(yelling to someone) No, NOT THAT BOOK.  I’m keeping that….That’s the “7 HABITS OF SERIAL KILLERS FOR THE COMPLETE IDIOT”  (back to phone). Sorry.  

E: What are you doing?

CMMDR: I’m moving.  

E: Moving? Where?

C: To New York.

E: When?
C: Sometime next year.

E: Next year, like 2027? 

C: No, no, Christ killer:  Next Year Next Year.

E: Uh-huh….right after the second Santorum Administration?

C: NO, god you’re annoying, we’re really doing it this time.

E: Okay, but What does that  have to do with--

C: I’m having a tag sale.

E: A Tag sale?? YOU?

C: Yes, I’m Shung Fwee-ing

E: Exactly. 

C: And I’m feeling uncluttered and free.

E: Wow, that must feel great.

C: Yeah, so does Joanne Worley’s Tongue Depressor.

E: What does that even Mean?

C:  (yelling at someone) NO, NO, NOT THAT ONE.  That’s “PLAYING THE SAX LIKE A SERIAL KILLER FOR THE COMPLETE IDIOT.” (back to phone) Sorry.

E:  What the hell is going on?

C: Take the Pais out of your ears...I’m SELLING MY BOOKS. I’m DOWNSIZING. (yelling at someone)NO. JESUS. NOT THAT.  PLEASE PUT THAT DOWN.  (back to phone) Sorry.  Tag sales are hard.

E: Sounds like you never read “TAG SALES FOR THE COMPLETE IDIOT”.

C:  No.

E: Glad you're following the motto for all Tag Sales.
C: Which is?
 E: "The customer is always wrong". What was that chastised customer caressing?

C:  Nice almost alliteration. It was MY FIRST  Edition of Phillip Roth’s  “I’M JEWISH AND I HAVE A PENIS...FOR THE COMPLETE IDIOT.”

EN: Wow. Talk about foxed, cocked and slightly soiled.

C: (yelling again)AND NONE IN THAT BOX. MY CHRIST,  Can’t you read the ‘NOT FOR SALE’ SIGN? (back) Sorry

E: WHAT BOOKS ARE IN THAT BOX?

C: Which Box?
E: The one that you’re selling that’s not for sale.
CMMDR: Oh….Let’s see…”Post-Its For the Complete Idiot”, 

E: Check

C: “Calling Picardo To See What Jobs He Has That I Don’t For The Complete Idiot”, 

E:  Check-ity Check. 

C: “NoT Upgrading to LION Because You’re Afraid You Won’t Be Able To Use Quicken--For The Complete Idiot”

E: STOP. DO YOU ALSO HAVE “THE COMPLETE IDIOT FOR THE  COMPLETE IDIOT”??

C: Funny enough, I have the World War II Box of that...

E: I’ve got a question for you...HOW MANY BOOKS ARE ACTUALLY FOR SALE? Books That A person won’t be yelled at for wanting to buy.

C: THat’s none of The Rabbi’s business.

E:  Twenty?

C: I’m not going to--

E:  TEN?

-pause-

C:  Lower. 

-pause-

E: HOW MANY?

-pause-

-pause-
C:  (a small scared voice) Two.

E:  TWO? REALLY?  TWO?
C: ONE!
E: ONE??   ONE? 

     WHICH ONE?

     “THE COMPLETE IDIOT FOR THE  COMPLETE IDIOT”??

C: All you do is mock.

E:  You’re NOT having a Tag Sale, you’re having a TAG KEEP

-pause-

C: DID YOU CALL FOR A REASON?

E: Yes, actually.  Did you recently notice anything about the calendar?

C: The Calendar?

E: Yeah, that thing that you cross-reference between about ten devices?

C: Like what?
E: Well, let’s start with the month?  Notice the month?
C: Yes. From the Latin DECEM, which means TEN.  I won a Latin Award you know.

E: Yes.  And that COUNTERPOINT THEATRE award probably will fetch a pretty penny there on McFarlane.

C: WHAT ABOUT IT?
E: Notice yesterday’s date?

C: Yes, first day of winter. The sun is Directly overhead at the Tropic of Capricorn.  AND? SO?

E: (hurt) NOTHING.

C: Oh...oops…..

E: Yes?
C: STUPID ME.
E: (RELIEVED) Yessss.
C:  Jane Fonda’s Birthday!  I LOVED KLUTE.

E: GO fuck your-

C: (Yelling to Tag Sale Customer)  What does NOTHING ON THIS TABLE FOR SALE mean to you Feig?  (to phone) I got to go.  (Yelling) AND DO YOU THINK ONE LINE ON “ARRESTED-

-click--