Tuesday, November 01, 2011

CMMDR STILL GONE MISSING!


Briefly seen near an old abandoned urinal a week ago (see post below), the small failure has since gone missing again. A few days ago reports indicated he had surfaced near a wedge of space on the outskirts of Duluth, but what was thought to be the Cmmdr turned out to be an accumulation of sludge. Similar mis-sightings occurred this week in Albuquerque (toxic waste), the Bay of Fundy (an illegal garbage spill), Bridgeport (rendered fat), and in Reno (a pig’s cock). All were initially, falsely, believed to be the Cmmdr. One tip received just yesterday claimed the Cmmdr was staked out in the north west corner of downtown Bangor, but it turned out to be a two hundred pound bag of fresh manure. The search continues.

11 comments:

lowercase gothamite said...

Nilagniacs,
Sorry to hear about the CMMDR's ankling and all...
But I have a more pressing concern.
Namely, an audition.
(I know! right???)
Nutshell-wise, here's the prob:
My character is described as..
"CHARACTERY"

My statement is this: I shit you not.
My question is this: What the fuck do I do now????

I await your sage counsel,
lcg

Uta Clurman Meisner said...

CMMDR and the Ensign (and truthfully, the L'il Buddy if he were honest) (and Cabin Boy if he could) would say that when confronted with the direction
CHARACTERY in bold or small type, in parentheses or in the guided directions of the "breakdowns", there is really only one solution. It is a time honored, successful route to winning the hearts and minds of producers and Casting directors (aka BUYERS) and that is thus:

SQUEAKY VOICES.

Have at it.

lowercase gothamite said...

O.M.F.G.
I thought for SURE that it meant "crooked bangs."
Back to one for me, I guess...

Gonna do you proud Nillards.

Excelsior!

cmmdr said...

'Squeaky voices' works well. I also will drool, limp, wear a girdle, and cum in my pants.

lowercase gothamite said...

Ok, sure.
Got that.
But what about for an AUDITION??

cmmdr said...

Oh! Right.
I try a relaxed revelation of myself, filter it through the character, and stay in the moment. I don't push, I don't sell it. I trust I'm enough.
It never really works.

lowercase gothamite said...

Thanx for the awesome advice CMMDR.
Here's how it all went down:
Two hour wait in dimly lit hallway.
Sat on a rickety bench with my crooked bangs & my squeaky voice --
Next to THREE former SNL cast members
AND this D-cup cunt who fucked my boyfriend back in '99.
Went in.
Summoned my inner CMMDR...
And, since I forgot to take my beta blocker today,
the rest is all kind of a sweaty blur...
But I think the lady director asked me out for a drink tonight.
Weird.
Should I let her pay???

cmmdr said...

"Sweaty Blur.' That used to be my professional name. By the way, I think I know that lady director who asked you out; for years she worked as a blood-vat cleaner at a turkey processing plant
and consistently donated half her salary to the Sisters of Mercy's outreach effort to aid victims of paper cuts. I'm not fond of her. She once skinned me. What with the facia and muscle all exposed, it was almost impossible to wear wool. Let her pay.

lowercase gothamite said...

I will. I will let her pay. And pay. And pay.
I intend to order, like 107 seltzers.
What Mary Worth actually said to me was:
"Wow, that was insanely funny. I don't know if we can cast you in this, but I definitely want to have drinks with you! Ok?"

Which was almost as heartening as the director of a large BLOCKBUSTER film who once said to me:
"Oh my God, if I don't cast you in this, I am gonna steal EVERYTHING you just did!"
He didn't.
He did.
I am very impressed to learn from your previous post that you are able to cum in your pants while wearing a girdle.
Not an easy trick, I'll warrant.
I gotta get something like that for my resume to put under special skills.
Crooked bangs are clearly not gonna cut it in this fast-paced world of girdle jizz.

A. Jemima said...

I'm confused...Griddle Jizz?

And here's another question that no one seems to want to touch...Re: your audition/directorial booty call.

Was There anything it for CMMDR or The Ensign?

Mrs. Butterworth said...

Oh, please.
Leggo my Eggo wouldja?
The Ensignheimer has ALREADY assayed the role of a caustic lawyer on this bustling network enterprise.
If you are looking for info on a possible recur, you should maybe ask a thesp who's allowed to read the WHOLE script.
(Like the THREE former SNL cast members warming the bench.
Or the conniving D-cup cunt who fucked my boyfriend back in '99.)
As opposed to wee little lowercase actrons who are only begrudgingly offered small scraps of toner-smudged "dialogue."
Or maybe go out for drinks with the lady director.
And order something stronger than 107 seltzers.

As to opportunities for the CMMDR...
I'm guessing the answer is
No.