Physicists Find New Way To Measure Absolute Zero

A breathtaking new approach to determine absolute zero has been discovered by scientists at the Norwegian Laboratory for Applied Science. The new method uses a thermoscopic scale wired into a variety of docking subsets connected to specific parameters of the Cmmdr’s career. Such parameters include audition slips, deal memos, casting records, Neilson ratings, TiVo readouts, and other pertinent indexing. These items always have and always will show a complete absence of anything in regards to the Cmmdr. When extrapolated from experimental data beginning with observations correlating to the small failure’s body of work, the constant is always a fixed lack of motion. The pathetic, wretched, dismal little goofball, reached for comment at a note book convention in Sioux falls, said ‘fuck me in the ass with a dirty bomb.’