Phone Transcript

ring ring
ENSIGN: Yes? What?
CMMDR: Its the Idiot.
ENSIGN: Yes, not so much an idiot-
C: As a fool.
E: As a fool, Yes. We go through this every time.
C: Uh-oh, Hamas is irritated.
E: I can hardly hear you, Are you talking on a speaker phone?
C: What?
E: Jesus, (louder) Are YOU TALKING ON A SPEAKER PHONE?
C: No. I'm using my new Bluetooth.
E: Well, your Blue Tooth has a cavity because--
C: Here comes a complaint--
E: It sounds like you're talking to me through Richard Simmons' colon.
C: I heard the comedy version of that joke. You know I've talked to thousands of people and you're the only one that complains.
E: Thousands?
C: Theremins? What about Theremins?
E: NO, not Theremins..THOUSANDS? THOUSANDS!
C: Oh...What about Thousands?
E: You said-oh, never mind. This is my point-I can hardly hear you...
C: I don't understand-I've talked to thousands of people-
E: THATS WHAT I JUST ASKED YOU. Really? THOUSANDS?
C: What about it?
E: WHAT ABOUT WHAT? THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
C: Oh no, Mr. Wailing Wall is angry.
E: What? I can hardly fucking hear you. It sounded like you said "Wally Woo has an Atari"
C: No, I said--
E: Did you call for a reason?
C: Clearly, just to irritate the JDL. I have nothing.
E: Its July. Things will pick up. How was Alaska?
C: Kill me. Forty five seconds into a Q&A and I got asked about the make-up.
E: Did you answer "what make-up?"
C: What?
E: I love this bluetooth-its such a great conversation aid. DID YOU SAY "Cut the Bake CUP"?
C: Huh?
E: Nothing. How was your independent film?
C: See, now, there it sounded like you said "Cow Pus Year Itty Bitty Flan". Is that what you said?
E: No, I said "Where can I get me one of these Blue Tooth deals?"
C: Booze with Seals? What about Booze with Seals?
E: FUCK. THIS IS COMPLETELY INSANE. WHY DO YOU HAVE THIS?
C: This WHAT?
E: THIS FUCKING BLUE TOOTH SOUND MANGLING DEVICE?
C: Why do I-
E: YES. WHY DO YOU HAVE THIS BLUE TOOTH? IT DOESN'T WORK. I CAN'T HEAR YOU. YOU CAN'T HEAR ME. IT DOESN'T WORK.
C: OH, Because, Helen Keller, As of July 1 you're supposed to use it in your car in California.
E: What are you talking about?
C: The new law, you have to use a-
E: My god you really are an idiot. That's not till 2008.
C: WHAT?
E: THat's not till--
C: It sounded like you said 2008.
E: I did! The law doesn't go into effect until July 1, 2008.
C: WHAT? NO. SHIT. NO. ITS--
E: TWO THOUSAND AND EIGHT! THE LAW DOESN'T GO INTO FREAKING EFFECT UNTIL NEXT YEAR: TWO THOUSAND AND EIGHT. BY THEN MAYBE THEY'LL MAKE ONE THAT ACTUALLY WORKS.
(pause)
E: HELLO?

...dial tone....