FADE IN
A small GARAGE in Los Angeles.
The ENSIGN, bearded, aged, not particuliarly large in stature, sits on a fold out bed.
He is reading a SCRIPT for a television pilot called LAWYERS.
There is a KNOCK on the door and the CMMDR enteres.
He is a small, round, insipid, hefty, embittered, stale, fat, sour, gloomy, pointless, fleshy, mind-numbing, talentless, chubby, obtuse, bald, brainless, shabby, tired, tubby, trunk-like, banal, thick-set, tedious, stocky, dull-witted, chunky, trite, unkempt, stout, portly, worn, flabby, dull, rotund little man in his 50’s.
CMMDR
What do you have?
ENSIGN
I have nothing.
(to be continued)
14 comments:
(Cont)
CMMDR
Nor I.
(Pause)
Want to watch my BOSTON LEGAL?
ENSIGN resignedly nods head....
(to be continued)
said...
(Cont.)
CMMDR (scanning the garage)
Have you taken anything from the big house?
ENSIGN
No.
CMMDR
Any sectons of today's newspaper?
ENSIGN
No.
CMMDR
Are you sure?
ENSIGN
WHAT DID I SAY?
CMMDR
Not the business section? Because I can't find it..
ENSIGN
I SAID NO.
CMMDR
But, There's a space on my shelf where something is missing, do you know what it is?
ENSIGN
PLEASE.
(Pause)
CMMDR
So, let's go watch my BOSTON LEGAL.
All Three of them.
ENSIGN
First...could you kill me?
-to be continued--
(cont.)
ENSIGN
Oh...did you hear what SPOILER got?
CMMDR
Shit, don't tell me. (Pause)
What? Something BIG? I don't want to know. (short pause) WHAT? Dont tell me.
ENSIGN
It's huge.
CMMDR
God, he has everything.
ENSIGN
More than everything this time..
CMMDR
I NEED to DIE.
(Cont...)
Wait...I need to know, 'cause I saw it last night. In this film,do you envision CMMDR wearing the same white jumpsuit he wore in "The Island?" Because I thought it looked really good.
(cont..)
CMMDR
I got an e-mail from L'l b''''y.
ENSIGN
Yeah?
CMMDR
What the hell are all those apostrophes for?
ENSIGN
They're decoration. He likes stuff like that.
CMMDR
Oh.
ENSIGN
What did he say?
CMMDR
He saw THE ISLAND.
ENSIGN
Oh.
CMMDR
THat was the Michael Bay picture I did.
ENSIGN
I know.
CMMDR
That was the ONLY Michael Bay Picture I did.
ENSIGN
I KNOW. I KNOW.
CMMDR
He said He liked the jumpsuit I wore.
-pause-
ENSIGN
Wow.
CMMDR
Yeah.
-pause-
ENSIGN
Gun or Tire iron?
CMMDR
Both.
(to be cont...)
(con’t)
ENSIGN
Good choice. I’ll pick them up later.
CMMDR
You’re goin out?
ENSIGN
I need some oat bran. And some oat meal. And some pretzels. Oat.
CMMDR
Oat pretzels?
ENSIGN
Yes.
CMMDR
What are you, a horse?
ENSIGN
I’m an old Jew and I’m watching my cholesteral. What’s your problem?
CMMDR
Why don’t you pick up a feed bag while you’re at it. Or a trough.
ENSIGN
I’ll be in the garage.
CMMDR.
Wait - did ‘L’i’l’ B’udd’’y like The Island?
(to be continued)
Pause for LOL LOL Tears LOL LOL
(cont)
ENSIGN
You mean, besides your Jumpsuit?
CMMDR
(excitedly)
Yes!
-Pause-
ENSIGN
Define "LIKE".
(To be Cont....)
I actually did enjoy "The Island," except for Scarlett Johannssenn, who I think went to the same lobotomist as Frances Farmer, but apart from her, I thought it was good. I was particularly touched when the CMMDR was excited to find out he'd been selected at the end.
After all, don't we all feel like "product?"
CMMDR
I had word 'L'i'l'' ''''''''''''''B''u''''''''''''''''d''''''''d'''''''''y'''''' liked The Island.
ENSIGN
You may have just gone a bit too muc with apostrophes!
CMMDR
The point is, he liked my work. Others may have liked my work as well. I feel pretty good. I'm gonna go buy ten books.
ENSIGN
Can you pick me up some oat flour?
CMMDR
God. OK.
(to be con't)
(Two Hours Later)
ENSIGN (entering Kitchen)
I'm off.
CMMDR
Where are you going?
ENSIGN
I need some steel cut oats, rolled.
CMMDR
Christ.
ENSIGN
Can I pick you up anything?
CMMDR
A hand grenade.
ENSIGN
I read 'L'i'l 'B'udd'ys' show was postponed, the opening I mean.
CMMDR
You're just trying to get 'L'i'l' B'u''dy's' name into the dialogue.
ENSIGN
So?
(to be con't)
LOL
ENSIGN
Okay, sure, I'll hurry off to the Grenade store. You want shrapnel or nails and screws?
CMMDR
Whatever's cheapest.
ENSIGN
Okay, if you could lend me the......
Wait, what are you doing?
CMMDR
Writing a note.
ENSIGN
About what?
CMMDR
Um, nothing.
ENSIGN
C'mon.
CMMDR
Jesus, you're annoying...Did you learn this in Hebrew School? If I wanted you to know I would have showed it to you.
ENSIGN
I'm standing right here. You can't write a note while I'm standing in front of you and not expect me to wonder what it says.
CMMDR
Just a note to..... remind me of something.
ENSIGN (caustic and angry)
I FIGURED THAT. ITS A NOTE. THAT' S WHAT NOTES ARE FOR.
CMMDR
COULD YOU SAY IT LOUDER? THEY CAN'T HEAR YOU IN NEVADA! Forget the note: Its not important.
(hiding note)
ENSIGN
If its not important why are you writing it down?
CMMDR
To remember it.
ENSIGN
Remember it? Do you ever look at the notes you write?
CMMDR
NO.
ENSIGN
I'm not an expert on this whole "NOTE" thing, but if you write down a note to remember something and then never look at it, doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of writing the note in the first place?
CMMDR
God, you secrete sarcasm.
ENSIGN (grabbing the note)
LET ME SEE.....
CMMDR
GIVE IT BACK!
ENSIGN
Wow.
-pause
-pause
(reading) "eat more oats"!?
-pause-
Eat More Oats?????
CMMDR
I'm joining Hezbollah...
-to be continued
NEXT AFTERNOON. CMMDR SITS READING AT TABLE.
ENSIGN (entering kitchen)
What's on the docket?
CMMDR
Nothing.
ENSIGN
C'mon! There must be a few little to-do's, some calls, maybe an errand or two. Hmmm?
CMMDR
I'm thinking about Jesus and how I feel so safe knowing He's the Son of Man.
ENSIGN
What?
CMMDR
Sorry! Where the fuck did that come from? I mean I'm thinking how pissed off I am that Gary Zuckerbrod hasn't had me in since 1987. And I got that job too, the one he had me in on.
ENSIGN
Where are those oat flakes I had on the counter?
CMMDR
I ate them. Sorry. There's some oat porridge left.
ENSIGN
Nevermind.
(to be con't)
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