DISASTER AT SPOILER THEME PARK

(AP. Upper Brentwood, CA)
Officials at the "SPOILER THEME AND ENVY PARK" announced today that they
are closing the FLYING-CARPET BITTER-JEW EXCURSION TO FUCKING NOWHERE, commonly known as THE RAT, after patrons to the park complained of a terrible smell while inside the "Guest-House Closet" portion of the pointless ride, where empty bags of tortilla chips sit amongst hundreds of Whole Foods Plastic Containers. . "It was like someone's career just crawled up inside a duodenum and rotted." complained an unintelligible Fannie Berg, from Brooklyn, New York, whose son, Max, was rushed to a local hospital.

The ride has been in the news lately for a series of breakdowns, leading to it simply sitting there, not moving, not getting any phone calls, not getting any jobs, and mostly just doing audiobooks with terrible terrible accents. It was reopened recently only to be plagued with problems like, as one official put it "a whole day of maybe a jog on the beach, some pretzels, no phone calls and bed'. The ride sits across the park from the ever popular "BIG HOUSE WITH JACUZZI" where patrons can make believe they are the Spoiler for a few moments, complete with PRETEND Swag and a Crazy Fax Machine that spits out offers at an alarming rate.

"We have no plans to re-open the RAT anytime soon. It's done. It's finished. As we say in SPOILER Land--The Rat has turned a corner, and he ain't coming back."