A SAD DAY
ring-ring
CMMDR: (slowly, ala OLD OLD MAN) CMMDR.....Productions.
Ensign: Can I speak to the CMMDR?
C: (peppy) This is He my little Zionist sympathizer
E: How did you know it was I, Herr Goebbels?
C: A certain sarcastic tone combined with the fact that no one else calls me back. Even Sveltana stopped calling..Do you think I offended her?
E: Probably.
C: Oh, I’m such a loser.....I HAVE NOTHING.
E: OH Please, I have less.
C: How can you have less than nothing? That would be, like, MORE NOTHING.
E: Let’s see if I can explain this: I’m living in the back bunker of the Spoiler’s Compound
C: --Mooching, not Living--
E: -- sleeping amidst all thirty of his Congressional Medals of Honor.
C: Hmmm.
E: Hmmm?
C: Yes, "Hmmm", as in “not that interesting”.... Did you ever think of maybe getting your own place?
E: Well, no, I mean yes, but I did last year and...
C: Oh that little Pied-a-Terre for the Gender Insecure?
E: Yes. and I didn’t take it again because--
C: The outlay of cash snafu?
E: Yes, I-
C: The Old “Opening of the Wallet” Gag?
E: C’mon I-
C: The Classic “One if By Land, Two If By FREE”??
E: Okay Okay.
PAUSE
C: A hush fell over the Jew....OH, GOD, I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
E: And I have less.
C: No, you have everything. You, Mr. Heeb the Hobo, have it all, you have...give me a minute....oh gosh....there’s....I’M SO WITHOUT.
E: What about your OUVRE?
C: What does that word even mean when you’re talking about HART TO HART??
E: Going where no SAG Actor has gone before?
C: Do Not Mock Pal..... While you were on the good ship ARNOLD that franchise was my bread and butter.
E: Which explains why your cholesterol level is registering at PREPARE FOR IMPACT.
C: I’m in perfect health...for a stump.
E: And you’re right. That “show” set you up to cruise into your twilight years to do what you were put on this earth to do.
C: Here it comes--
E: To Entertain the world in the great Classical Roles Of The English Speaking Theatre.
C: You know, I have feelings, and--
E: The Rubber And Glue Players PRESENT:
C: Oh god that hurts.
E: The Cmmder tackling the saber wit of “Much Ado About I Have Nothing”--
C: My heart-
E: The Cmmdr, so mirthful, so bouyant, in the joyous “A MIDSUMMER's DON’T EVEN BOTHER”
C: I can’t---
E: “ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS NOT SO TERRIFICALLY”.
C: I HATE YOU.
E: How about“ RICHARD THE NEVER.” ??
C: WHY? WHY? WHY?
E: OR THE RARELY PERFORMED: “TROILUS AND CRESSIDA AND A POTATO”
C: Jesus, IS THIS WHY YOU CALLED ME?
E: (sadly)I called because I heard about S. J. Cannell.
C: Ah, now we’re talking. The creator and genius behind THUNDERBOAT ROW.
E: Yes. THUNDER BOAT ROW. Two weeks in Miami with Chad Everett.
C: Together at last.
E: Chad had to sign a contract in a scene we were doing and they said they’d shoot that back in Los Angeles but--
C: I LOVE your anecdotes--
E: --But Chad would have none of it. He yelled at the Director “NO, I’m doing the insert. I don’t want you going back to Warner’s and getting some Grip’s Hairy Hands signing this thing.”
C: Sounds like the SPOILER.
E: So, I looked at his hand and--
C: I know..it was the hairiest hand you’d ever seen!
E: Yeah, how did you know that?
C: A little something called: “MEDICAL CENTER”. My favorite show.
E: What?
C: Is that it? Look, I’ve got various tasks and to-dos--
E: Yes and I’ve got to clean up before the Spoiler gets home.
C: What do you have to do?
E: It involves Lysol and rubber sheeting.
C: GOD. He has rubber sheeting?
E: Let’s put it this way: He’s the spoiler.
C: ‘Nuff said. Oh Boots, Sveltana’s on the other line-
E: Huh?
C: I had to pick up her dry cleaning, I’ve got to--
click
E: Hello??
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