He Who Has Nil

COMICS That Actually Have Resonance To the Ensign's Life Dept.

2012-02-09T13:03:00.001-08:00

Fwd: CORRECTED: SAG-AFTRA Merger Documents Available Online

2012-02-08T06:14:00.000-08:00

Flash!

We're Trying!

February 2012

Dear AFTRA Members:

We apologize for the previous flash that had incorrect links to the merger documents. And if we can't do THAT right, imagine what else we're going to screw up? Foreign residuals anyone?

We also apologize for our main switchboard operators who get confused when the phone rings. Before last year the only people who called were extras from The Guiding Light who needed to redeem their lunch vouchers. Now you want us to, what, come down to the set and check for Hazardous conditions? You're kidding, right?

Also, as long as we're apologizing, jeez, sorry about that First Class Travel thing. Oh, who wants 'warm nuts' anyway? And you meet the nicest people on line to the rest room in coach.

As you know, merger referendum ballots are scheduled to be mailed on or about Feb. 27. Full printed merger documents will also be mailed to each voter along with the referendum ballot, if we can find the address book which one of our secretaries took home. She promised to return it. Fingers crossed.

Follow AFTRA:

Click here to visit YOUR LACK OF PENSION

CMMDR Moves TO NYC and TRIES TO GET TALENTWORKS ATTENTION DEPT.

2012-02-03T06:01:00.000-08:00

There's A CHURCH Dept.

2012-01-25T13:33:00.000-08:00

2012-01-21T17:47:00.003-08:00

He Who Has Nil Franchise Dept.

2012-01-18T09:21:00.000-08:00

And Friday is TALENT NIGHT!

A View to the Cmmdr's Quarters at Start of Day

2012-01-17T23:56:00.001-08:00

What Greeted the Cmmdr at The Golden Globes This evening

2012-01-15T23:09:00.002-08:00

Things To Do While Sitting By The Phone If You're With TalentWorks Dept.

2012-01-15T09:00:00.000-08:00

2012-01-14T07:54:00.002-08:00

1) Get that car off its blocks.

2) Receipt collating (it's TAX TIME).

3) Lather rinse repeat!

4) Organize 'what-not' drawer.

5) AARP Meet 'n' Greet.

6) Some positive 'ME' Time. (yes!)

7) Get that SAG Awards Ballot in the mail (set DVR!)

NYC Beckons CMMDR Dept.

2012-01-12T07:19:00.002-08:00

"You'll do an arc on KOJAK and work at the DIRECT Theatre....come...come..."

It NEVER STOPS Dept.

2012-01-11T07:26:00.002-08:00

I could listen to that TO-DO List joke over and over.

Cmmdr runs into problems while attempting to concretize his moving to-do list!

2012-01-10T16:34:00.001-08:00

Cmmdr commences sorting process: "Yikes! This is gonna be a bit of a chore!'

2012-01-10T09:03:00.001-08:00

The Cmmdr Starts to Pack.....

2012-01-09T17:56:00.002-08:00

Ensign's Destination Dept.

2012-01-09T12:05:00.000-08:00

2012 cont.

2012-01-07T20:44:00.001-08:00

So Far Dept.

2012-01-06T18:33:00.001-08:00

Ensign Calling Dept.

2012-01-02T15:59:00.005-08:00

Ring ring

CMMDR: (answering--in a ‘funny’ anti-semitic voice)Uh..Melvin Birnabaumabramowitz here.

ENSIGN: (playing along) Yeah, Melvin, its Mordecai.

C: (still in that ‘funny’ old jew voice) I can’t talk now, I’m eating a nice piece of fish.

E: Boiled?

C: So boiled its not fish its a--(yelling to someone) No, NOT THAT BOOK. I’m keeping that….That’s the “7 HABITS OF SERIAL KILLERS FOR THE COMPLETE IDIOT” (back to phone). Sorry.

E: What are you doing?

CMMDR: I’m moving.

E: Moving? Where?

C: To New York.

E: When?
C: Sometime next year.

E: Next year, like 2027?

C: No, no, Christ killer: Next Year Next Year.

E: Uh-huh….right after the second Santorum Administration?

C: NO, god you’re annoying, we’re really doing it this time.

E: Okay, but What does that have to do with--

C: I’m having a tag sale.

E: A Tag sale?? YOU?

C: Yes, I’m Shung Fwee-ing

E: Exactly.

C: And I’m feeling uncluttered and free.

E: Wow, that must feel great.

C: Yeah, so does Joanne Worley’s Tongue Depressor.

E: What does that even Mean?

C: (yelling at someone) NO, NO, NOT THAT ONE. That’s “PLAYING THE SAX LIKE A SERIAL KILLER FOR THE COMPLETE IDIOT.” (back to phone) Sorry.

E: What the hell is going on?

C: Take the Pais out of your ears...I’m SELLING MY BOOKS. I’m DOWNSIZING. (yelling at someone)NO. JESUS. NOT THAT. PLEASE PUT THAT DOWN. (back to phone) Sorry. Tag sales are hard.

E: Sounds like you never read “TAG SALES FOR THE COMPLETE IDIOT”.

C: No.

E: Glad you're following the motto for all Tag Sales.
C: Which is?
E: "The customer is always wrong". What was that chastised customer caressing?

C: Nice almost alliteration. It was MY FIRST Edition of Phillip Roth’s “I’M JEWISH AND I HAVE A PENIS...FOR THE COMPLETE IDIOT.”

EN: Wow. Talk about foxed, cocked and slightly soiled.

C: (yelling again)AND NONE IN THAT BOX. MY CHRIST, Can’t you read the ‘NOT FOR SALE’ SIGN? (back) Sorry

E: WHAT BOOKS ARE IN THAT BOX?

C: Which Box?
E: The one that you’re selling that’s not for sale.
CMMDR: Oh….Let’s see…”Post-Its For the Complete Idiot”,

E: Check

C: “Calling Picardo To See What Jobs He Has That I Don’t For The Complete Idiot”,

E: Check-ity Check.

C: “NoT Upgrading to LION Because You’re Afraid You Won’t Be Able To Use Quicken--For The Complete Idiot”

E: STOP. DO YOU ALSO HAVE “THE COMPLETE IDIOT FOR THE COMPLETE IDIOT”??

C: Funny enough, I have the World War II Box of that...

E: I’ve got a question for you...HOW MANY BOOKS ARE ACTUALLY FOR SALE? Books That A person won’t be yelled at for wanting to buy.

C: THat’s none of The Rabbi’s business.

E: Twenty?

C: I’m not going to--

E: TEN?

-pause-

C: Lower.

-pause-

E: HOW MANY?

-pause-

-pause-
C: (a small scared voice) Two.

E: TWO? REALLY? TWO?
C: ONE!
E: ONE?? ONE?

WHICH ONE?

“THE COMPLETE IDIOT FOR THE COMPLETE IDIOT”??

C: All you do is mock.

E: You’re NOT having a Tag Sale, you’re having a TAG KEEP

-pause-

C: DID YOU CALL FOR A REASON?

E: Yes, actually. Did you recently notice anything about the calendar?

C: The Calendar?

E: Yeah, that thing that you cross-reference between about ten devices?

C: Like what?
E: Well, let’s start with the month? Notice the month?
C: Yes. From the Latin DECEM, which means TEN. I won a Latin Award you know.

E: Yes. And that COUNTERPOINT THEATRE award probably will fetch a pretty penny there on McFarlane.

C: WHAT ABOUT IT?
E: Notice yesterday’s date?

C: Yes, first day of winter. The sun is Directly overhead at the Tropic of Capricorn. AND? SO?

E: (hurt) NOTHING.

C: Oh...oops…..

E: Yes?
C: STUPID ME.
E: (RELIEVED) Yessss.
C: Jane Fonda’s Birthday! I LOVED KLUTE.

E: GO fuck your-

C: (Yelling to Tag Sale Customer) What does NOTHING ON THIS TABLE FOR SALE mean to you Feig? (to phone) I got to go. (Yelling) AND DO YOU THINK ONE LINE ON “ARRESTED-

-click--

Auld Dept.

2012-01-01T06:35:00.002-08:00

So Ready for 2012 To Be Over Already Dept.

2011-12-31T17:36:00.000-08:00

SIX DEGREES OF TELEVISION SCI-FI SYNDICATION DEPT.

2011-12-29T14:27:00.004-08:00

CMMDR's ANCESTRY by ENSIGN

For what the CMMDR needs, it's perfect.

2011-12-28T19:03:00.002-08:00

NBC UNIVERSAL

Published on Dec 27, 2011 01:52PM 0 Comments

The Syfy channel's movies are horrible, but they are entertaining.

Hey, just hearing what they're about is enough to make you laugh. And the movies themselves are hilarious - either intentionally or unintentionally.

Case in point: "Arachnoquake," which is currently in production. Here's Syfy's description:

"In Arachnoquake, massive earthquakes unleash giant albino spiders. Freed from their ancient subterranean prison, the spiders go on a murderous rampage through New Orleans."

Hasn't New Orleans already suffered enough?

It's also fun to check out who's in a Syfy movie just to see whose careers are in the toilet. "Arachnoquake" stars Tracey Gold ("Growing Pains"), Bug Hall ("The Little Rascals"), Ethan Phillips ("Star Trek: Voyager") and Edward Furlong ("Terminator 2: Judgment Day").

It's scheduled to air on Syfy sometime in 2012.

Shocking Picture From Dear Leader Kim Cmmdr-NIL Funeral Procession Dept.

2011-12-28T07:07:00.001-08:00

Ensign Receives Aftra Residuals Dept.

2011-12-27T10:05:00.001-08:00

It Never Changes Dept.

2011-12-25T14:44:00.001-08:00

Merry Xmas

Ere he drove....

2011-12-23T18:05:00.002-08:00

Cmmdr Calls Ensign, but.......

2011-12-22T10:06:00.002-08:00

Learn Something New Every Day Dept.

2011-12-22T09:16:00.000-08:00

Weirdly How These Guys Look like CMMDR and Ensign....

The Secrets of the CMMDR's Acting Revealed Dept.

2011-12-20T10:42:00.000-08:00

Which thing controls the LOPING???

Achtung Dept.

2011-12-20T10:40:00.002-08:00

huh.

2011-12-19T18:27:00.001-08:00

North Korea Announcement

2011-12-19T05:48:00.000-08:00

What We're Reading Dept.

2011-12-18T16:45:00.000-08:00

Gives new Meaning to Ho Ho Ho.

SEASONS GREETINGS

2011-12-17T04:35:00.001-08:00

PEOPLE WHOSE LIVES HAD MEANING DEPT.

2011-12-16T08:37:00.001-08:00

Ford, Firestone, and Phillips. Here at a conference discussing the future of To-Do Lists.

Another Reason I Don't Keep A Bowl Of Extra Sharp Glass Chips Next To My Toothbrush Dept.

2011-12-16T05:28:00.000-08:00

Good thing I only worked a couple of days on this...otherwise I'd owe so much more.

Ensign's Inheritance of Riches Dept.

2011-12-11T06:47:00.001-08:00

Isn't the whole list one big honking "etc."?

MORE FROM VAST INHERITANCE DEPT

2011-12-10T10:05:00.000-08:00

2011-12-09T11:19:00.002-08:00

Ruth Buzzi for HE WHO HAS NIL by

A Picture Is Worth 10,000,000 Pounds Dept.

2011-12-09T11:13:00.001-08:00

Yeah, Ha Ha, Very Funny, Joke's On Me Dept.

2011-12-08T08:09:00.002-08:00

Adventures In Spell-Checking Dept.

2011-12-08T06:22:00.001-08:00

Must have been very messy at the VA....

Time Out For Dead President's Dead Lover Waving Over and Over Dept.

2011-12-08T05:48:00.001-08:00

Adventures in Nil Packaging Dept.

2011-12-08T05:28:00.001-08:00

Hey Cmmdr, hand me that fork.

A Picture is Worth 10,000 Pounds

2011-12-08T00:28:00.001-08:00

Right In The Middle of The "I Wanted To Be An Actor" Kingdom Dept.

2011-12-07T17:43:00.001-08:00

There's Prozac in the Moat.

THE Bottomless Well Of Good Fortune From My Inheritance Dept.

2011-12-07T10:51:00.000-08:00

And the rest...forget.

Check Your Watches! Its WORD OF THE DAY TIME.

2011-12-07T06:12:00.001-08:00

ligneous

PRONUNCIATION:

(LIG-nee-uhs)

MEANING:

adjective: Having the texture or appearance of wood.

ETYMOLOGY:

From Latin lignum (wood). Ultimately from the Indo-European root leg- (to collect)

"That was the most ligneous audition I've ever seen" shouted the casting director as she showed the CMMDR to the door.

The Cornucopia Of My Inheritance

2011-12-06T16:47:00.002-08:00

So they just THINK they're doors?

One Picture is Worth A Thousand Pounds

2011-12-06T16:38:00.001-08:00

Residual Update

2011-12-06T09:32:00.002-08:00

It seems I was counting my chickens before the proverbial hatch.
I thought I had $.03 coming in...but I forgot about taxes. Stupid me. The Net is:

So, can you bill that to Reed Birney?

More From The Inheritance Pile Dept.

2011-12-05T05:46:00.001-08:00

Another Reason I Don't Keep A Suppository Of dimethyl sulfide By My Bookmarks Of My Residuals Dept.

2011-12-05T05:23:00.001-08:00

I'm taking the day off from 'gathering information'...

Follow Up Dept.

2011-12-03T15:33:00.000-08:00

The iPhone4s Explains it all for you Dept.

2011-12-03T15:27:00.000-08:00

Because I Can't Think Of Anything Funny Myself Dept.

2011-12-02T09:04:00.000-08:00

More Typed Lists From My Inheritance Dept.

2011-12-02T09:03:00.003-08:00

The re-write on the bottom
really sharpens the list I think.

Another Reason I Don't Keep A Noose In The House Dept.

2011-12-01T06:11:00.000-08:00

St Barts here I come.

Oh Christ. Don't tell me. Word of the Day?

2011-11-30T23:05:00.003-08:00

ter·ri·ble/ˈterəbəl/

Adjective:

1.Extremely and shockingly or distressingly bad or serious: "a terrible crime".

early 15c., "causing terror, frightful," from O.Fr. terrible (12c.), from L. terribilis "frightful," from terrere "fill with fear," from PIE base *tres- "to tremble" (cf. Skt. trasati "trembles," Avestan tarshta "feared, revered," Gk. treëin "to tremble," Lith. triseti "to tremble," O.C.S. treso "I shake," M.Ir. tarrach "timid"). Weakened sense of "very bad, awful" is first attested 1590s.

example: We recently watched the Cmmdr act, and he was terrible.

One of These THings Is Not Like The Other Dept.

2011-11-30T12:31:00.003-08:00

more recycling

2011-11-28T22:35:00.004-08:00

From HEBREW AND ADRIFT

From HEBREW AND ADRIFT: THE ENSIGN’S EMPTY JOURNEY FROM NURSE TO NOWHERE.
Little, Brown. 2007.

Excerpted from chapter seven ‘Another Borrowed Bed’

“…. feeling let down by his inability to stay with any one agent for more than 24 hours, the bearded Jewish character player drowned his sorrows that night in a casserole of oatmeal, oat bran, oat flakes, and Annie Oakley re-runs. His belly distended like a horse after a binge, he slept restlessly, dreaming that his role in Victim of Love: The Shannon Mohr Story had been dubbed by a frog.
He woke the next morning angry, bitter, and after a breakfast of oat bars and pureed oat juice, called his compatriot the Cmmdr to see if he had any work. Hearing the question in his study out in Los Angeles, the Cmmdr dropped the phone – unfortunately on his foot – and broke his big toe, leaving him out of work for a month. Which was not a disaster, as the Cmmdr's last gig was as an embryo in a Federally sponsered infomercial on stem cell abuse.

Word Of The Day DEPT.

2011-11-28T05:02:00.002-08:00

tauroboly

tauroboly 1. The slaughter of a bull or bulls; specifically, a pagan sacrifice of a bull in honor of Cybele, with its attendant rites, including a bath in bulls' blood. 2. The representation of such a slaughter or sacrifice in sculpture, etc.
Example: It was Tauroboly Time and the Pagans had misplaced their sacrificial bull. Glumly, one pagan suggested the CMMDR as a replacement. After much heated discussion among the pagans the idea was nixed, with one particularly irked Pagan shreiking "To smear the good name of TAUROBOLY with the blood of the CMMDR would really piss CYBELE off! Did you see Him on THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS as Nelson McGinnis?? "

Ensign's Fireside Companion

2011-11-27T18:41:00.001-08:00

The CMMDR Plays It All For You Dept.

2011-11-27T18:29:00.001-08:00

When in Pre-Prep For Pre-Reads Dept.

2011-11-26T04:37:00.000-08:00

Can it be time for Word of the Day AGAIN? You bet!

2011-11-23T10:10:00.002-08:00

ressentiment

PRONUNCIATION:

(ruh-san-tee-MAH)

[the final syllable is nasal]

MEANING:

noun: A feeling of resentment and hostility accompanied by the lack of means to express or act upon it.

ETYMOLOGY:

From French ressentiment, from ressentir (to feel strongly), from sentir, from Latin sentire (to feel). Ultimately from the Indo-European root sent- (to head for or to go), that is also the source for send, scent, sense, sentence, assent, and consent.

USAGE:

"It is fair enough to say that the Cmmdr is a representative pedestrian performer seething with ressentiment."

Robert Alter; The Tunnel; The New Republic (Washington, DC); Mar 27, 1995.

Louis CK Explains It All For You Dept.

2011-11-22T11:23:00.000-08:00

Might be offensive...but too bad.

TIME FOR THE WORD OF THE DAY!

2011-11-18T08:49:00.003-08:00

atrabilious

PRONUNCIATION:

(at-ruh-BIL-yuhs)

MEANING:

adjective: 1. Gloomy. 2. Ill-tempered.

ETYMOLOGY:

From Latin atra bilis (black bile), translation of Greek melankholia.

USAGE:

The Cmmdr, in reviewing his television work over the past several decades, became atrabilious.

The Road Not Taken Dept.

2011-11-18T05:02:00.002-08:00

Facing Facts Dept.

2011-11-18T05:00:00.002-08:00

poem # 2822.9g

2011-11-16T22:51:00.001-08:00

THE CMMDR HAS SWALLOWED A RAT

Remove the smart phones, trash the iPads;

Cancel the mail, extinguish all texts.

Hope is a gateway drug: don’t do it.

The bowels of Burbank offer up

This grisly sight:

The Cmmdr has swallowed a rat.

Hollywood proffers this oily eyed yellow furred gift

for services rendered.

He stands now a beneficiary

(here in the dusk sweet street)

of a rodent,

full of so much sad wonder.

It doesn't Dept.

2011-11-16T21:42:00.002-08:00

WAKE UP CMMDR DEPT.

2011-11-11T18:43:00.002-08:00

It All Boils Down To This Dept.

2011-11-09T20:52:00.002-08:00

My Private Website Shoots the Moon (and ME NEXT PLEASE) Dept.

2011-11-06T07:02:00.000-08:00

Onward and Upward with The Audiobook World!!

The Mockers Are MOCKED Dept.

2011-11-05T08:36:00.000-07:00

Found on an actual website that boils down bad film scripts to their even worse essence. Herein is a snippet from their take on "W". I actually had a moment where i thought "hmmm, i actually DID have more lines..maybe I should write them and tell them..." and then I remembered my place.

FUNNY A* *****R JOKES DEPT.

2011-11-03T13:04:00.000-07:00

warning

2011-11-03T12:56:00.000-07:00

I have decided that all posts using the words AL ARCHER will be immediately deleted from the HWHNil
blog.

Admin

HOLY MOLY! E'EN MORE BAD EMCEE BARBS!!!

2011-11-03T09:50:00.004-07:00

Well, Holloween came and went. So did the Cmmdr.

But seriously, have you seen the unemployment figures? Over 9%!

And 89% of that is just from the Cmmdr!

And Europe is freaking out, not only over the Greek bailout,

but apparently they found an Al Archer fan in Staffordshire!

And don't get me started on that freak snow storm.

It was so bad, the Cmmdr was offered the role of Stan Lotwin

ten years after the show wrapped.

I KID YOU FUCKING NOT: ACTUAL BOB ORBEN QUOTES

2011-11-03T09:48:00.001-07:00

TO ERR IS HUMAN-TO BLAME THE COMPUTER MORE SO.

Bob Orben

EVEN MORE TOPICAL HOWLERS THAT DON'T WORK DEPT.

2011-11-03T09:43:00.001-07:00

If It wasn't for ObamaCare I don't where we'd be. Yesterday The ENSIGN wasn't caustic for a few minutes. Talk about Socialism.

Monica Lewinsky was in the news again today. The CMMDR wasn't.

That Poor Lindsey Lohan. Did you see this? Apparently not only did she NOT mention the ENSIGN but no one even seems to know he exists anymore.

It seems the Xmas season comes earlier and earlier. This year, at the mall, the ENSIGN had some tinsel blown up his ass. I know...not funny.....it'll get funnier as the day goes on.

MORE FAILED EMCEE ONE LINERS!

2011-11-03T09:14:00.002-07:00

Well, the Greeks may put us all in a hole, huh?

I hope the Cmmdr has room!

And what about this gal Bachman? I mean,

jeeze, is it just me, or is the Ensign competent in playing lawyers?

And Obama's out campaigning. Maybe the Cmmdr

can get someone to turn his taint into an 8/10.

EMCEE LINES THAT DON'T QUITE WORK DEPT.

2011-11-03T04:58:00.000-07:00

Well, Those Occupy Wall Streeters are something, Huh? I mean, yesterday the CMMDR had nothing.

Boy, the Greek economy is really in trouble. I mean Its so bad, yesterday, all day, the ENSIGN didn't get one call.

How about that Herman Cain? He's so far up in the polls that the CMMDR's career looked like Mitt Romney's shoe horn.

This has been quite a year, hasnt it? We got Bin Laden, Qadaffi...who's next? Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

GAGS GALORE!!!!!

2011-11-02T18:35:00.003-07:00

What's the difference between the Cmmdr and a lightbulb?

A lightbulb has a function.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get the fuck away from the Cmmdr and hopefully avoid

having any of his failure rub off on it.

What's more foul than a tanker full of shit?

The Cmmdr's career.

CMMDR STILL GONE MISSING!

2011-10-31T22:26:00.001-07:00

Briefly seen near an old abandoned urinal a week ago (see post below), the small failure has since gone missing again. A few days ago reports indicated he had surfaced near a wedge of space on the outskirts of Duluth, but what was thought to be the Cmmdr turned out to be an accumulation of sludge. Similar mis-sightings occurred this week in Albuquerque (toxic waste), the Bay of Fundy (an illegal garbage spill), Bridgeport (rendered fat), and in Reno (a pig’s cock). All were initially, falsely, believed to be the Cmmdr. One tip received just yesterday claimed the Cmmdr was staked out in the north west corner of downtown Bangor, but it turned out to be a two hundred pound bag of fresh manure. The search continues.

Cmmdr's Most Recent Whereabouts Located!

2011-10-31T16:12:00.001-07:00

Where in the world is CMMDR Dept?

2011-10-31T15:00:00.002-07:00

Here??

Where In The World Is CMMDR Dept?

2011-10-31T14:50:00.000-07:00

Here?

WHERE IS THE CMMDR?

2011-10-30T22:35:00.001-07:00

Maybe probably nowhere. A bleak flickering stain on a late night rerun of some ancient episodic, a dim memory in the minds of some confused geeks who like lost ghosts wander the halls of certain isolated convention centers where once the Cmmdr, a third tier guest at a distant sci-fi event sputtered generic one liners hoping to please, a polite little chub-a-bub who never headlined, where is the Cmmdr? Skinning a cat in Winnipeg? De-boning a feral beast in Regina? Boiling down a kitten for that last little penny? He’s not on stage, he’s not on the screen. For in yoking his identity to the world of Thespis and having thus become untethered, the small strange stooge is as a mist floating, falling, fading from the firmament, leaving in his woeful wake nary a footnote.

CMMDR's Agency Unmasked Dept.

2011-10-30T05:56:00.002-07:00

And they validate!

Actual transcript of TEXT messages between CMMDR and ENSIGN.

2011-10-29T15:37:00.002-07:00

IT NEVER STOPS

The CMMDR Recommends Dept.

2011-10-29T10:35:00.000-07:00

Swift Boat Veterans Dept.

2011-10-28T05:21:00.000-07:00

SAG Protesters standing outside TALENTWORKS.

from our trove of news headlines!

2011-10-27T11:01:00.002-07:00

CMMDR CONVERTS TO JUDAISM TO HELP HIS CAREER; IT DOES NOT (story p. 37)

Ensign's Hideaway

2011-10-26T19:15:00.001-07:00

"is ANYTHING all right?"

WHAT'S WITH ALL THESE LETTERS??!!!

2011-10-25T18:50:00.001-07:00

Dear HWHN:

Has the Cmmdr passed away?

My wife and I never see him on TV anymore, except the occasional rerun of Hunter or maybe Three’s A Crowd.

Concerned,

Jay Gorgoil

Jay:

The Cmmdr has not passed away.

The reason you don’t see him on TV or Film anymore is because he does not work.

Follow-up Dept.

2011-10-25T16:14:00.002-07:00

Hey HWHN:

I'm confused by that last letter. If all the actors in the world
were laid end to end would the Cmmdr be asked to step
away from the line and go home? And, as a side question,
how long did it take to put on that make-up he wore in that
thing?

Signed
Anxious

Dear Anxious

Funny question really because, c'mon get real, the Cmmdr probably wouldn't
have shown up on LINE day. He forgot to write it in his book. Besides its
Potato and Beet Day on McFarlane.

That said, I keep thinking that "If all the actors in the world were laid
end to end" I hope most of them were using some form of protection.
And Not AFTRA.
HA. GET IT? Cheers.

YIKES! MORE LETTERS!

2011-10-25T09:52:00.001-07:00

Dear HWHN:

Please help me. What’s the difference between actors who work consistently in TV, Film, and Stage, and the Cmmdr?

Best,

Betsy Kornwrinkle

Dear Besty:

Betsy, great question! Those actors who work consistently in TV, Film, and Stage are quite different from the Cmmdr; they are talented, successful, well liked, and employable. They have careers. Often they are flying hither and yon to various sets, juggling commitments, passing on offers, conferencing with their money managers. The public is aware of their many projects, the overwhelming heft of their careers. But the Cmmdr? He’s not like that; he’s different. He doesn’t work. He does not have a career. He is not successful. He juggles nothing but his own balls as he sits and contemplates the pure shit of his professional life as an actor. HUGE difference, Betsy.

Why I Don't Keep A Large Pot Of Hydrogen Azide Boiling On The Stove Dept.

2011-10-25T04:28:00.001-07:00